


a choiceless hope

by alexanderlightweight



Series: cider verse [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Is So Done, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, BAMF Alec Lightwood, Established Relationship, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Magnus Bane Is Quite Magical, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Politics, Secret Relationship, Sex, Soft Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Teasing, Trolling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:20:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21777406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexanderlightweight/pseuds/alexanderlightweight
Summary: A relationship is the time to explore new beginnings, avoid family, and enjoy the benefits that come with dating.orAlec falls in love, loses his 'give a fuck' and trips over responsibility, but not necessarily in that order.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: cider verse [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1569439
Comments: 36
Kudos: 191





	a choiceless hope

**Author's Note:**

> This is the story I wrote for the RT November challenge! It's currently around 30k and complete but that may change as I edit it and add scenes that I didn't get to during the challenge! 
> 
> I'm not sure about my update schedule but it will be fairly regular as it is written (roughly). 
> 
> It's also the sequel or well, the continuation of 'the sensibility of cider'.

Alec was exhausted but he held his head high and continued towards the Institute’s doors, intent on getting to his destination with as little outside distraction as possible. 

It had been a harrowing week filled with one demon alert after the other, injured teams and a public argument with Hodge that had then turned into a nightmare of a political situation. 

Four months ago Alec would have let Hodge’s behavior go and turned a blind eye to a  _ -what he’d considered at the time-  _ problematic but ultimately harmless attitude. Hell, even  _ two _ months ago he might have done so. Now, after more than a few months of dating Magnus, he trusted his boyfriend the most out of anyone in the world and listened to his advice when it was offered. 

Magnus provided a perspective and outside opinion as both an individual and also as someone in a position of authority that Alec had never tried to understand and wasn’t able to. Magnus’ offered point of view and information had shaken Alec’s world, but he’d needed it. 

For the entirety of his life, Alec had been so caught up in following the rules that he’d completely lost sight of being his own person and becoming a leader his people  _ and _ those whom he protected could depend on. With both his parents and his siblings in Idris he normally would have kept his head down and stuck to the status quo, just relieved to have a break from them. Instead, without even meaning to, Magnus had unintentionally changed his world in the best but most complicated of ways. 

Which led to this.

At some point during their conversations, Alec had realized that having a former Circle member  _ -especially one that was on permanent house arrest-  _ teach anything other than sparring and drills was not only a security risk but also a terrible idea. Even if, as no doubt his parents would prefer, he blatantly ignored the fact that Hodge was a completely biased teacher and someone who had been radical enough to join a genocidal movement, there were still other issues. 

Enough so, he had managed to compile an entire file of reasons that had nothing to do with morals and ethics, just to make sure that no one among the Clave could contest his findings. 

Hodge was an Institutional nightmare on paper, let alone in person. 

The man had gone straight from training in Idris to joining the ranks of Valentine’s genocidal little group. He’d never participated in life at an Institute until after his sentencing and the little he did know of the mundane world came from books, research and an assortment of unsanctioned Circle raids. He’d never once participated in or been a part of an actual team, nor had he gone out on hunts whose main purpose was keeping both mundanes and the Shadowworld safe. Overall, he had absolutely no idea what he was doing and the fact that he’d done it for as long as he had, while  _ completely _ unchecked, was utterly appalling. 

As if that weren’t enough  _ -and it was-  _ Alec had gone over backlogs and old reports while conducting his own assessment and realized that while Hodge was a good combat instructor, he was a terrible strategist and had very little understanding of teamwork or how much skill navigating a city like New York took. It was with that in mind that Alec had finally put forward his case and today he’d both received the news and then had to be the bearer of it.

To say that he was looking forward to seeing Magnus was an understatement. 

Magnus respected him as a person, as an adult and as a leader. It was probably one of the reasons why Alec was so willing to listen to him. 

If they disagreed on something it could get a little rough. Magnus and he both had an immense capability for pettiness, however it was never purposefully painful. The worst thing that had ever happened was Magnus slamming the balcony door in his face and Alec, after staring at it in shock and getting his head on straight, had found himself laughing at the entire situation with Magnus not even two nights later. Alec felt a comforting sense of security, knowing that his boyfriend would never begrudge him affection, even if they were arguing.

Magnus had opinions and he didn’t hesitate to share them but at the same time, while his disappointment was painful enough, Alec knew that it was never intended as a weapon to hurt him. 

-

Magnus pursed his lips at an errant potion and narrowed his eyes threateningly. It was not a complex potion, merely a time consuming one with a few ingredients that were younger than he’d realized, which caused the brewing time to be extended. Considering that Alec was on his way over he was very tempted to just scrap the entire batch and redo it another time. With a groan he shook his head and reminded himself to stay committed to the task. He had not survived for centuries only to lose his patience because the man he loved, who he had yet to confess to, was on his way over. Alec was more than capable of letting himself in and entertaining himself until Magnus was done.

That resolve might have lasted longer if at that very moment the door hadn’t opened and Alec hadn’t called out a hello. The sound of his name being said like a cry of relief made Magnus heart trip over itself and he was about to snap his fingers and vanish the brew when his study door was gently pushed open.

“Hey.” 

“Alexander,” Magnus said and Alec came close, leaning over the desk of ingredients to press a kiss to his jaw. “Let me just clean this up.” 

Alec caught his raised hand and kissed his fingers, a spark of magic extinguishing against his lips and the trust there that Alec always showed nearly made Magnus swoon.

“I can wait till you’re done. I need to go clean off anyway.” Alec pressed one last kiss to his knuckles and then left with a tired though happy smile and Magnus only just managed to switch his attention back to the potion. 

It was a with a renewed sense of urgency that he measured the remaining ingredients and expertly stirred the potion. His mind was hyper vigilant, reminding himself that quicker to finish meant a faster reward and the prize he had waiting was one he very much intended on enjoying. Finally it was done and he bottled it, a little dismayed when he glanced at the clock and realized just how much time had passed. 

At the moment with Alec only having the title of Interim Head but having all of the responsibilities of the official position of Head of the Institute, they both had to be careful. Neither had been exactly sure what they were doing or where they were going with their relationship at the start, but things had changed and now Magnus was aware, as was Alec, that they were both in this for the long haul. 

It had helped that throughout their relationship, Alec’s family had been away. He’d had time to process and find security not only in his own feelings but in his confidence as a leader and as an individual in a relationship with another person.

It also meant that Alec didn’t sleep over nearly as often as Magnus would have preferred, especially as their relationship was still very much on the down low. While officially Alec had no one to answer to, and when at one point Hodge had tried to demand an answer, he’d shut the man down his lover still practiced caution. Someday soon he hoped that Alexander living with him would become a reality he could cherish but it wasn’t time just yet. 

As it was, Magnus had planned to slip in and enjoy the end of Alec’s shower with him. Instead he found his boyfriend submerged in the tub. A surprising but in no way unwelcome sight and he paused at the doorway to admire Alec’s peaceful face and smile at the fact that his lover was submerged in a bath full of very purple liquid. 

“Is there room for one more?” He asked and Alec blinked up at him in the dim bathroom light before raising one very salty brow.

“There better be, or you’re not as magical as you claim to be.”

Magnus laughed and snapped his fingers, vanishing his clothing to his closet and Alec moved just enough to let Magnus slip in behind him. The water was still piping hot and Alec settled back against him immediately, turning just enough to press a kiss to his collarbone and then relaxing with a sigh. 

“This is better,” he said and he raised a hand and flapped his fingers expectantly until Magnus gave in and happily offered his own fingers to embrace. 

“It is a nice way to end a long day.” A few moments passed and Magnus let himself soak up the heat and the weight of Alec against him, “are we talking about your day? Or is that a conversation for tomorrow?”

Alec huffed but his grip remained relaxed and his thumb traced little patterns on back of Magnus’ hand.

“We can talk about it now. I heard back from the Clave.” 

Magnus tensed a bit but managed to keep himself mostly calm, not quite trusting his words and instead asking Alec to continue with an inquisitive hum. 

Hodge had been a point of contention between them and one of the reasons for their first true argument. Their kiss goodnight that night had tasted bitter and Magnus had clung to Alec in their parting embrace, hoping that he hadn’t pushed too fast and too hard, knowing that Alec was young and new to not only relationships but the reality of their world. 

However, Magnus was who he was and not even the love he had for Alec would not cause him to turn a blind eye when he could instead impart knowledge. He’d lived far too long to let his personal attachments and worries stop him from educating someone in a position of power and Alec was in that position just from being angel-blooded. 

That Alec  _ had _ listened to him had filled him with hope and later, after they’d reconciled and sat down to talk, Alec had promised to let Magnus speak first without arguing and when Magnus had finished, he’d asked for some time to think. Magnus had given it, working on potions and keeping himself busy as Alec paced the balcony. 

He’d been worried at the time that the indoctrination and radical beliefs of Alec’s childhood were too strong, that perhaps they ran too deep. 

Instead Alec had looked sheepish and apologetic when he’d finally come inside, cheeks windburn and nose pink from the cold.

He hadn’t needed time to understand what Magnus was saying, he’d needed time to breathe and pace because what Magnus said had made too much sense and it was shattering his worldview. The life he’d built was made all on the foundation that the law was the law, not only because it was hard but because it was right. Alec had always lived by the law and only ever twisted it -never quite breaking it- his entire life. Magnus knew for a fact that he knew the law, perhaps better than anyone, just so that if he ever needed to, he could use the law to his advantage. 

For Alec, finding out that the law he’d based his life so rigorously upon when he was young and adrift was a bit like making a home only to realize that the leveler he’d used was broken. The pieces that he’d so meticulously cut from himself were uneven and nothing fit together. 

“The Clave has agreed that the position Hodge currently holds is one that creates a conflict of interest. As such, they have rescinded his ability to access not only the Institutes database but also his authority as anything other than a combat trainer. I received a new intelligence specialist today, Mirai Lakecastle. She’ll take over our mission protocols as well as intelligence gathering. An inquiry will also be started, as to why Hodge had the security clearance he did in the first place. It was approved by the Clave years ago, so that part at least is no longer my problem.”

Magnus waited until Alec finished talking and then let out a shuddering sigh and wrapped an arm around his waist. “I’m so proud of you.”

“You’re the only one who is.” Alec scoffed and Magnus ached, wondering just what was going through his lover’s head. “Jace and Izzy come back from Idris in a couple of weeks, but my parents will be staying there longer due to politics.” Alec continued and he sounded exhausted, “I miss them but I’m not sure how to deal with them.”

“Oh? I thought you were excited to have them return.” Magnus wondered at the sudden change of subject but supposed it was all intrinsically related, as most complicated things were. 

“I am, or I was but it’s different now.”

“Because of me?”

“No.” Alec snorted and Magnus tried not to feel too offended, “you’re the easiest part of this whole insanity, Magnus. My siblings they don't… they’ve never cared about the law. And right now, if I’m going to make it through this, I’ll become official head of the institute sooner rather than later.” 

“So?”

“While this situation with Hodge is under investigation my Institute is going to be even more under review than usual. Jace and Izzy don’t abide by the rules and me being in charge isn’t going to change that. They’ve never respected it before and they won’t understand why they need to now.”

“Surely they won’t want to jeopardize your position.”

“They won’t see it as that, they’ll think it’s just me being a downer, not letting or wanting them to have any fun.”

“Just because you respect the rules doesn’t mean you’re not any fun.” Magnus said, upset on Alec’s behalf. His boyfriend may be a little taciturn with strangers at times but Alec was always excited and ready for an adventure.

“Magnus, everything is different with  _ you _ .  _ I’m _ different, because of you.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Maybe one day I would have said yes but no, it’s not. It’s the best thing in the world. Being different is perfect because it means I have you.”

Magnus was glad that Alec couldn’t see him, couldn’t see the way his glamour dropped and his eyes filled with happy tears and he tightened his hold on Alec. 

“I’m glad I have you too, Alexander.”

-

Lakecastle was not at all what Alec was expecting but she was exactly what he needed. She’d arrived late in the night during prime hunting hours and Alec had been out on one of his firsts hunts in weeks. The demons in question were quick and rather than send a team out to suffer hunting them for hours, he’d added himself to the rotation, knowing it would be easier and quicker with a long range specialist.

She was waiting for him when he got back in what could have felt like an ambush, if Alec had cared for such things. Instead he’d been tired but satisfied. The thrill of a successful hunt still thrumming in his veins as he escorted one of his youngest shadowhunters, who was still two years older than him, to the infirmary. An in field iratze had healed the wound but Alec preferred to have his hunters have a full workup to avoid complications like venom poisoning later on. 

“Lightwood, it’s fine.” Darkwater told him once again and Alec rolled his eyes, allowing a nod to the newcomer but not leaving his position as escort. 

“Then it will be fine once you’ve had it checked out, officially.”

Alec heard the mutter and was distracted from his observation to turn sternly and stare at Darkwater.

“What was that?” He left no room for excuses and his voice and eyes were hard as he stared the man down.

“Sorry.” Darkwater said without actually sounding apologetic, more sheepish at being caught than anything else. “It’s just, your team never does this.”

Alec opened his mouth to protest and then closed it, taking a breath as he thought through it and remembered the feeling of not having the whole picture. 

“That’s somewhat true.” He allowed, “but not entirely accurate. Hodge and Izzy often acted as field medics during briefing, which isn’t one of their official duties. Now, due to a pending investigation and as Hodge is unqualified for that kind of service, he is no longer available. Likewise, my sister is in Idris and while she is an accomplished scientist, she is not medic qualified which means she too will no longer be doing that. That she ever was is an oversight that I’ve already begun to rectify.”

Darkwater frowned but nodded, stripping out of his clothes as the medic came over and Alec watched with a furrow in his brow as they worked. He wondered just how often his example was followed to the detriment of others health and silently made a vow to lead by a more visible example. 

“I’ll leave you to it,” he said and then gave a short nod, “you did well tonight.”

-

“Alexander Lightwood?”

“It’s Lightwood, or Alec.” Alec said and reached out to take the hand offered him, “Mirai Lakecastle?”

“Yes, the Clave informed you of my arrival?”

Alec nodded and motioned for her to follow him, “you made good time.” 

“The Clave didn’t feel they could afford to sit on this matter any longer than they already had.” Lakecastle said and Alec nodded his understanding, “however they were impressed by your actions. You clearly run a tight ship here.”

“Not tight enough if security issues like the one Hodge presents are considered the normal.” 

Lakecastle gave him a tightlipped but sympathetic smile, “but instead of letting it remain the status quo, you risked poking a nest of ravenors.”

Alec paused in their walk, he’d been automatically leading Lakecastle to his parents office but he realized now it was more unofficially his office, as he used it more than they ever did. 

“It came to my attention that having Hodge preside as he had, while not obviously damaging, was not in the best interests of my Institute. Or for the safety of my shadowhunters. I also had concerns about the potential ramifications of having someone who was once an active part of the Circle so closely involved with downworld relations.”

“Is that something you’re interested in, protecting downworlder interests?” There was no censor in Lakecastle’s voice but Alec did note the sudden gleam of interest in her eyes. Even a routine answer could be enough for her to report unfavorably to the Clave but he found himself pausing and gathering his thoughts as they stepped into the office and he gestured to a seat before taking his own. 

“Downworlders are a part of the Shadowworld. It’s our duty to not only protect mundanes and the integrity of remaining hidden, but also keep safe those within the Shadowworld. So yes, I consider their protection to be important.” 

Lakecastle watched him without comment for a moment before nodding and it was only because Alec was watching her so carefully that he saw how her shoulders relaxed just slightly.

“There were some concerns due to your family history, I’m glad to see that they won’t be a problem.” 

“What does my family have to do with anything?” Alec asked with a frown, it was true that Izzy and Jace were hardly discrete in their dalliances among downworlders. But the only thing that might jeopardize his position was their recklessness and his past habit of following Hodge’s example and sweeping it under the rug. 

Lakecastle seemed to still but when her eyes met Alec’s she gave nothing away and simply tilted her head, “Nothing.” Was all she said, “After all, you and not your family are in charge.”

“For the moment.” Alec reminded her, “My parents are still the officials Heads of the Institute.”

Lakecastle hummed noncommittally but Alec recognized the look in her eye and did his best to stay quiet. Something was clearly afoot in Idris, which meant that perhaps his parents were being considered for a more political role and his temporary leadership would become permanent. The possibility sent a thrill of excitement through him. Established leaders of a successful Institute held a lot more power than just someone who was the heir to a prestigious lineage. 

If he had that, some sort of sway in the Clave, or at least records good enough that they couldn’t be dismissed then no one could truly use Magnus against him, or him against Magnus. Instead of being a weakness for each other, they could easily become strong political allies and the idea of it was intoxicating. Instead of just listening to Magnus and learning of problems, he could use what power he had to start implementing a real change and leave behind a legacy of peace rather than bloodshed and domination. 

-

Magnus woke to a muttered curse and the fumbling of a belt being undone in the dark, he kept his eyes closed and let a smile spread across his face. He’d asked Alec to come by after his patrol and argued with his lover when he’d declined. Alec had been insistent that he’d be done with patrol too late to do anything other than disturb Magnus’ sleep but Magnus had been very firm on the fact that he didn’t care if he was woken up, he’d actually prefer it. He knew that Alec was a strong shadowhunter and a good leader, but he couldn’t stop himself from worrying. 

To hear Alec’s quiet curses, his fumbling movement and then to feel his presence as he padded with silent footsteps to the bathroom and then when he was done, back to bed, made Magnus relax. True Alec had woken him up, but before his sleep was restless and now he felt as though the few hours he would catch with Alec in his arms were well worth the disturbance. 

Alec slid into bed, fingers brushing Magnus’ arm as he sought him out and Magnus kept his breathing deep and even, not wanting Alec to feel guilty… or for him to feel smug that he’d been right about waking Magnus up. Alec gave a small huff of pleasure and wriggled closer, trying to be considerate and careful. It wasn’t until a moment later that his truly arctic toes pressed against Magnus’ calf that he broke the facade and cursed.

“Alexander, your feet are freezing!”

Alec let out a startled yelp and pushed away from Magnus. Accidentally kicking him in a move that would no doubt leave bruises on Magnus’ shin while propelling himself out of bed. Magnus tried to hold back a laugh but found himself chuckling as he summoned a small silver light to illuminate the room. Alec was blinking up at him from the floor, wearing only boxers and a confused expression and rubbing at a red mark on his chin.

“I guess I woke you up after all,” he said and he sounded so sad about it that Magnus couldn’t help but laugh harder still.

“I was awake the moment you stepped into my room, my oh-so-mighty shadowhunter.” Magnus teased and he propped himself up in bed, holding out a hand and grinning at his boyfriend. “Now come to bed properly so we can warm you before you lose something to frostbite. I refuse to lose my favorite shadowhunter because of a chill.” 

Alec gave a sheepish laugh and took his hand, letting himself be pulled up and into bed. Magnus was happy to curl around him, gliding his fingers up and down Alec’s torso a few times, letting himself feel that there were no bandages or obvious wounds on Alec’s body before he settled his hand low on Alec’s belly. 

Alec pushed back against him, a happy hum in the deep of his throat and if they both hadn’t been so tired it might have led to something else but for now, it was a content intimacy and Magnus pressed his lips against Alec’s shoulder and let the summoned light fade. 

-

It was overly bright by the time Alec woke up and Magnus, who had gone to bed long before his boyfriend had ever come home, was now going over paperwork. There was a grumble from the bedroom, a sleepy murmur protesting the sun and a noise that Magnus had become used to whenever Alec woke to find himself alone. Summoning a new cup of tea, Magnus made his way to the room, a soft smile breaking out on his face as he entered and found Alec sprawled across the entirety of the bed, head pillowed in the indent Magnus had left. 

“Morning darling,” he said and was rewarded with a soft grunt and Alec burying his face further into the mattress. Magnus let his robe fall from his shoulders and dance over to his dresser as he slid into the bed. His thigh brushed Alec’s forehead and his lover nuzzled the bare skin there and pressed a little kiss to it before throwing his arm over Magnus’ waist and sighing contentedly. 

“I have breakfast.” Magnus told him, a little bribe to start the morning but Alec shook his head, grip tightening in silent complaint. 

Magnus just smiled, time like this was precious and he didn’t mind spending it here with Alec and the dawn of a new day. Once Alec’s family arrived he knew their time might become even more short and precious but ultimately stolen moments. 

While Alec did plan on telling his siblings about their relationship, he was going to wait until they’d calm down from their return. According to his lover, the Lightwood siblings tended to return from Idris rather stir crazy, add to that the new changes, well it would be best not to bombard them with everything that was new.

“I’m still worried about Jace and Izzy.” Alec confessed quietly and here, in the quiet of Magnus’ room it didn’t feel like a betrayal. Magnus made a soft noise, an indication that he was listening and Alec reached out to thread their fingers together so he could admire Magnus’ elegant hands and play with the shiny rings there. “I didn’t realize until recently just how much damage Hodge and I were doing. They’ve never faced consequences for their actions and they don’t follow any of the necessary protocols, even though they should. I’ve begun to lead by a strict example but I’m worried that they’ll undermine it, maybe without even trying to.”

“You can’t control or predict their actions and they are adults, adults who should and do know better.”

“But I’m the oldest, it’s my job to protect them.”

“Alexander, you can’t live your entire life under their shadow or living for them. You are your own person and they are theirs, they can’t be children under your wings forever.” 

Alec shuddered and turned his face further against Magnus’ hip, gripping his hand tightly.

“My entire life has been about them, to protect them. To be better for them. What am I without that?”

“No matter what path you travel, just a few actions alone are not enough to define you. Protecting your family is a huge part of who you are, but it’s not the only important thing about you. You can love and take care of your siblings without sacrificing your sense of self and your happiness for them.” Magnus told him gently and ran fingers delicately through his hair, “it’s not a crime to want more for yourself, or to build a life that doesn’t have them at the center.”

“I want you.” 

“And you have me.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

Magnus snorted, “you don’t  _ get _ to deserve me, Alexander. You can’t put a price on a person or their affection. No, I know,” he said before Alec could interrupt. “Your parents raised you a certain way and that’s not your fault. You were taught that affection and love were earned as a reward and taken away as a punishment, but that isn’t a universal truth. just an unjust practice.” 

“So they come back and I what, just let them fail and punish them for it? When it’s my fault to begin with?”

“It’s not your fault.” Magnus repeated, “From what you’ve told me, your sister and parabatai are intelligent beings, they’ve just been spoiled. If anything, you’re protecting them by teaching them this lesson now. We both know that you won’t always be there for them, not even by your own actions. It’s a fact of the life you live that the Clave could transfer them, or they could request a transfer or they could fall in love or go down an entirely different career path. Pampered nephilim do not succeed anywhere outside of Idris, remember that when you’re dealing with them and you’ll both be fine.” 

Alec made a muffled noise of agreement and Magnus wished they were discussing this in a little more formal of a setting so that he could see his lover’s face. Instead, he had to contend with deciphering noises and watching the muscles of Alec’s back contract or relax. 

“What scares you the most about all of this? It can’t just be disappointing them,” Magnus asked quietly. 

“I love my family. I’ll always love them and I want them safe, but I don’t think they’re my priority anymore.”

“That’s okay.” Magnus promised him, “it doesn’t mean you care for them any less.”

Alec was quiet, not wanting to put the burden of his truth on Magnus. That while he didn’t care for his siblings any less, he did care for Magnus more and in a very different way. It wasn’t a bad thing, he knew that intellectually but in other ways he felt like he’d failed his siblings.

“You’re allowed to put yourself first, Alexander. Anyone who truly cares for you will understand that, I promise.” 

Alec bit his lip to hold back a reply and tried to stifle the worry that lingered in his heart. There was a part of him, however small it was, that worried about just how true that statement was. Someday soon he was going to get proof of whether or not his family understand the truth that Magnus imparted so easily, and just how much they actually cared about him. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know if there are any tags missing!
> 
> I'm on tumblr as [alexanderlightweight](https://alexanderlightweight.tumblr.com)


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